Written by: Armaan Mathur

Vishwaguru and India meet after a long time. India seems sickly and worn out. They sit at a fancy restaurant to celebrate their mutual birthday.
VG – Hey IN, what’s up? How are things?

IN (with a characteristic “stiff upper lip” British accent) – How delightful of you to ask! I am splendid, just – (coughing, with spittles of blood), a bit of a cold, eh?

VG – That’s one of the most annoying things about you, IN — your accent, still bootlicking the shallow shibboleths of your colonial masters. Be like me – learn to be true to your civilisational legacy. Remember you weren’t born in 1947, you are the legacy of the great civilisation of our ancestors, learn Hindi for God’s sake!

IN – Well yes, VG, I realise the colonial legacy manifested by my accent, but I object to the preposterous insinuation that I wasn’t born in 1947 — our birth certificate, quite a hefty book called the Constitution; which I am sure you’ve read, stipulates that I was conceived between 1946-1950 and so were you, by our parents who conceived us under the most dire of circumstances. Our idea existed beforehand, but we were codified only then.

VG – IN, I seriously wish you’d just stop blabbering so idealistically. “Dire circumstances”, “idea”, “Constitution” and whatnot. That fellow Nehru has got into your head! (Seeing consternation on IN’s face)Yeah, yeah he was one of our parents, but have you seen his pictures on WhatsApp these days, he smoked such huge cigars, and was quite a – God forgive my tongue — playboy type.

IN – Forward on Whatapp? Whatsa- what?
(IN feels dizzy)

VG – WhatsApp, it’s the genius of our generation… gosh you’re such an oldie! Anyway, it’s that messaging thingie where we get verified news like how our great Supreme Leader has been declared the best Supreme Leader in the world by UNESCO, along with our national anthem, you know… like radio in your time perhaps.

IN – But radio told the news – those are lies. UNESCO does no such classification.

VG – Ahh, naive IN. How innocent you are — I guess that’s why I reached Vishwaguru status and you didn’t. Sorry to burst your bubble — news is not facts anymore. Truth is what we make of it. Haven’t you heard of “alternative facts”? Narrative beta IN, Narrative is what matters.

IN – Alternative facts?! That sounds like a fancy word for… lies. What are you implying VG, have you forgotten our Bapu’s vehement insistence on the satya? Blightey, we were born through the distinctive reproductive act of Satyagraha!

VG – Let’s be clear here — we put Bapu’s name on banners along with his spectacles, no? Coupled with the image of our great Supreme Leader, he has become an icon. Supreme Leader has the bigger image, for obvious reasons. What matters is — Bapu has got his due. He was off his rocker anyway.

IN (almost faints) – But, what about following his path? What became of his vision? VG, you worry me. You do remember our pledge for democracy, equality, freedom, egalitarianism?

VG – tsk tsk tsk – stop that. I hear words, they carry no meaning- I sing the national anthem in the movie theater, mock others for not doing it — I am democratic enough. Or is it patriotic? Nationalistic is better — sexy and aggressive. And that Indira already gave you a face punch when you mentioned democracy to her, served you right.

IN – Yeah she punched me good. At least she punched to the face. The punches and the bleeding feel internal now, more insidious. You’re just cutting me off, not even listening to me properly. I am, after all, you but slightly more experienced. All I mean is –

VG (interrupts) – hup hup! I know what’s best for us, I am not in the mood for a lecture. Don’t be a Greta Thunberg, putting your nose where it doesn’t belong. Don’t make me use the Twitterati.

IN (becoming paler by the minute) – But I am you! I formed the base for your achievements, I surely (sneezes uncomfortably) deserve some say?

VG – Are you suggesting… ahem – consultation?

IN – Yes!

VG – What rubbish! We have Parliament, we consult with ourselves and pass laws. That’s our dharmik model of democracy. Please don’t direct your Lutyen’s “consultation” jibe on me, huh! We only consult with those we want to hear, that is true deliberation. Plus, if we want to listen to the opposition — which we do, contrary to your nasty facial expression — we tap their phone.

IN (vomits on his tissue) – what- what was that salad? It was painful to eat.

VG – oh this, my new favourite — authoritarian salad. Here, add some communal chutney, you’ll get a perfect blend!

IN (vomits on his plate) – No! No, no, no, no! It’s all going wrong! This can’t be us, VG, you need to realise! It’s insensitive for you to suggest communal chutney when you are aware of how it caused us bloody diarrhoea back when we were kids! I am- hurting.

VG – Oh, is that so? Didn’t notice. You know, what with photo-ops and press control and Twitter management. Do you need a tissue?

IN – No, I don’t need a tissue! I need a top-up. Correction – you need a top up, of –

VG – No I don’t need a top up on my drink, I already have enough of my opportunism mojito.

IN – Oh, for God’s sake, let an old one speak! You need a top-up of values, the integrity, grit, humanitarianism, internationalism even, which were our anchors. Surely, you can’t be so
impervious to them? The pants you’re wearing are young and smell of aspiration. Use their essence.

VG – Umm… don’t be weird, not my fault you had decrepit pants which stunk of poverty. And what are these “values” you eulogise, when they are so easy to drown out in the noise? People
like the noise, it gives them comfort, sensationalism and entertainment. Your work was nation building, you did that in your prime. Now is the time for the second Republic – led by a strong
leader, who knows what to do, unlike the “I don’t know how to govern, so I’ll ask” approach of our parents. There is no “us”. Our parents were idealistic, with little experience in worldly matters. They made their mistakes, they’re done. It’s my time now.

IN (faltering in speech) – but we are one – there was only one foundational republic –

VG – Hush, hush, you’re getting old, and apparently senile too. This is New India, India on the rise, India the echo chamber — where the noise drowns this obsolete idealism.

India faints and plonks his head on the dinner table. Vishwaguru feigns ignorance, and continues his dessert, the new chef special — “sab changa si” ice cream. It’s bitter, but he ingests it with his signature nationalist fervour.

VG (his expression softening) – he was a good man once. Unfortunate that he got old and archaic, impervious to the New India. Eh, who even cares, he was senile anyway. He was wrong, I was right. I just hope to God he doesn’t bounce back as strongly as he did after Indira’s antics — now that… (takes a sip of his opportunism Mojito, which he just topped up) that would be the recipe of the decline of democracy.